Is there life out there???

I try and put on a brave, happy front..but, really...I am just going through the motions...things haven't been so good for me lately...with my life. I know I have touched on my job..kids being sick...marital spats...etc...etc...but, I feel like I am missing something in my life....I feel depressed...out of sorts. I look back over my life, and at almost 38 years old...I feel like I should have more, be more, do more, with my life and for my children then what I have...I have been divorced twice, married to the third husband...and I am worried about the status of our relationship at the moment. We fight..a lot. A lot more than the kids should see or hear, a lot more than "normal loving" couples should. I don't understand why he has to be so short and hateful all of the time. He doesn't see it....he doesn't see he does anything wrong....I am not bashing him...so, don't think that....I am just as much at fault....I spend so much of every moment of my life, working toward pleasing others...at work, at home, my kids, my husband....I don't even know who "I am" anymore...I feel lost....at a crossroads that I don't know which direction to go. I want things to be better...I want my relationship with my kids and my husband to be better. I am often short tempered and low on patience myself...maybe I am depressed. I don't know. My husband doesn't believe in medicating for depression, or talking to someone, like a shrink...so, that isn't an option for me...I have no friends, my mom has enough problems with my brother, who is going through a seperation and possible divorce at the moment, so I can't go to her...I don't know what to do.
I function better when Hubby and I are on an even keel....when we are communicating...loving one another. But, lately...seems like all we do is fight and piss each other off. It has always been that way between us. We may go four/five months...with every thing going along ok..then we the silliest, most inconsequential thing, sets us off and we are totally hating one another.
I thought that once I lost weight....he would appreciate me more, that things would be better between us...I have lost 26 lbs...I am now down to 118 lbs...and things seem to be worse than ever. Instead of being proud, I feel like he resents me for it. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. We went away a couple weekends ago, as those of you that read my blog know we do from time to time...but, it wasn't quite the same...
My oldest two children..I hardly ever see..I feel like my 18 year old is lost from me...I call him, he barely had two words to say to me....I know he is developing his own life...and I understand that, but I also feel like, at the moment, there is no place for me in it. I miss him....I sit here right now, in tears...feeling like my heart is ripped out of my chest...I haven't spoke to him in a week...I miss him....hubby went to bed, angry at me again.....not speaking to me..his last words were, "I guess we are going to be at war with each other for another month"...??????Why? I don't understand......The eight year old has strep...I am worried about the rest of us getting it....Seems like I just can't win.

I find myself thinking of the song by Reba McEntire..."Is there life out there?".....that most definitely is my theme song for the moment....

IS THERE LIFE OUT THERE....

She married when she was twenty
She thought she was ready
Now she's not so sure
She thought she'd done some living
But now she's just wonderin'
What she's living for
Now she's feeling that there's something more

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

She's always lived for tomorrow
She's never learned how
To live for today
She's dyin' to try something foolish
Do something crazy
Or just get away
Something for herself for a change

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

There's a place in the sun that she's never been
Where life is fair and time is a friend
Would she do it the same as she did back then
She looks out the window and wonders again

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond
Her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

(By request...video has been removed)